A new phase of life

Well, I've done it. For those of you who don't know, I celebrated my first 29th birthday a little over a week ago. So, I suppose it's time to reflect. What have I learned in my first 254,000 hours of life? Several things:


1) My daughter, with roughly 20,000 hours on this planet, can match wits and wills with anyone.


2) No matter how much fun it sounds, killing a pile of ants on the floor of your house's attached woodshed with a makeshift aerosol flamethrower in the middle of summer is never a good idea.


3) Bert and Ernie must have been feeding the water - it does not matter how loud you yell "Fishy fishy fishy!" - the only thing that leaps into your boat are the other angry fishermen.



I have accomplished many things so far... about 3.1 million minutes ago I coined my first truly memorable quote: "I defy anti-gravity all the time."



I have attended approximately 3600 days of school.



I have driven approximately 175,000 miles.



I have owned exactly 2 bicycles.



I have some of my wedding cake which has been frozen for more than 178 million seconds.



No, I don't plan to eat it.



I have personally purchased 1 (one) toilet plunger.



I have not eaten a banana in 22 years.



I have learned one absolute truth: If you're going to invest 30 minutes, two rolls of duct tape, and the mattress from your bed to play a great practical joke on someone, FIRST MAKE SURE ALL THE ROOMMATES ARE IN THE ROOM WHEN YOU START!



Small Asian men who write poetry on the toilet are stronger than they first appear. Much stronger.



I have watched Men in Black 68 times, four more times than I have read Lost Moon (Apollo 13).




AFTER strapping your child seat into the other side of the car, which forces you the driver to cram your seat forward uncomfortably far, so that you can fully recline the front passenger seat of your semi-compact car to allow both the new TV you have just purchased late at night and your wife to fit somewhat haphazardly inside the vehicle... AFTER all that setup has been completed and you have busted the cupholder and glove compartment door with the shoving of the TV into the car is NOT the time to say "Honey, why didn't we just take the TV out of the box?"

You can fit upwards of 10 people in a 1992 Toyota Camry. You can also drive said full Camry over a concrete parking lot median as long as you gun the engine.

If you're playing Pictionary, and the artist draws a straight line, it is a stick. If it has dots, it is affliction. If it is anything else, go upstairs and attempt to play team pool and foosball at the same time.

It is entirely possible for a group of approximately 15 college freshmen to pick up a compact car and turn it around.

No matter how cheap it is, do not buy pina colada fog juice.

Fog machines will set off college residence hall fire alarms at the exact moment the RA opens the door.

If you're going to play cafeteria football, make sure Matt Bridges is sitting in your group to provide the commentary.

Here's another absolute: When delivering pizzas, ALWAYS set your parking brake.

Make sure you ask someone to turn the video camera on at your wedding.

Speed is irrelevant in California.

When the little voice inside you says, "Going trick or treating in a refrigerator box is a stupid idea," listen to your little voice.

There is no better way to pass the time with a friend than with a couple of Zippo lighters. Fuel is optional.

Well, I guess I could go on and on... this is obviously not an all inclusive list of what I've learned, but it does provide a good example of the variety show that has been my life. Hopefully I will have an equally interesting list in another 29 years.

-The Krunchy Krab