Monday, December 31, 2007

A kind of weird pattern...

Well, it is the end of 2007 now - and I noticed something strangely perfect about my blogging. In 2006, I blogged exactly 50 times. How many times did I blog in 2007? Including this final post, exactly 100 times.

If I keep this rate up, in 2015 I will blog 25,600 times. If I blog 70 times per day, and 120 times December 31st, I can do that. That's a blog about every 20 minutes.

Unfortunately, it usually takes me 20 minutes just to think of something to blog about.

Had I been thinking ahead, I would have kept my 2006 blogging to a minimum, say about 15 blogs. Then in 2015, I would only need to blog 7680 times, only 21 times per day and 36 times December 31st. That's once every 68 minutes. Much more reasonable.

Alas, I have dug this pit and will have to live with it I suppose. Regardless, I wish everyone a Happy New Year, I'll see you in 2008!

-The Krunchy Krab

Sunday, December 30, 2007

It's been awhile...

I haven't done any riddles in awhile. Here are a couple:

1) What are the only English words with three consecutive repeated letters? For example, if jummppeered were a word, it would have mm,pp,ee in it.

2) A man is six feet tall, works as a clerk in a buther shop, wears size 11 shoes and likes to wear gold chains like Mr. T. What does he weigh?

-The Krunchy Krab

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A new phase of life

Well, I've done it. For those of you who don't know, I celebrated my first 29th birthday a little over a week ago. So, I suppose it's time to reflect. What have I learned in my first 254,000 hours of life? Several things:

1) My daughter, with roughly 20,000 hours on this planet, can match wits and wills with anyone.

2) No matter how much fun it sounds, killing a pile of ants on the floor of your house's attached woodshed with a makeshift aerosol flamethrower in the middle of summer is never a good idea.

3) Bert and Ernie must have been feeding the water - it does not matter how loud you yell "Fishy fishy fishy!" - the only thing that leaps into your boat are the other angry fishermen.

I have accomplished many things so far... about 3.1 million minutes ago I coined my first truly memorable quote: "I defy anti-gravity all the time."

I have attended approximately 3600 days of school.

I have driven approximately 175,000 miles.

I have owned exactly 2 bicycles.

I have some of my wedding cake which has been frozen for more than 178 million seconds.

No, I don't plan to eat it.

I have personally purchased 1 (one) toilet plunger.

I have not eaten a banana in 22 years.

I have learned one absolute truth: If you're going to invest 30 minutes, two rolls of duct tape, and the mattress from your bed to play a great practical joke on someone, FIRST MAKE SURE ALL THE ROOMMATES ARE IN THE ROOM WHEN YOU START!

Small Asian men who write poetry on the toilet are stronger than they first appear. Much stronger.

I have watched Men in Black 68 times, four more times than I have read Lost Moon (Apollo 13).

AFTER strapping your child seat into the other side of the car, which forces you the driver to cram your seat forward uncomfortably far, so that you can fully recline the front passenger seat of your semi-compact car to allow both the new TV you have just purchased late at night and your wife to fit somewhat haphazardly inside the vehicle... AFTER all that setup has been completed and you have busted the cupholder and glove compartment door with the shoving of the TV into the car is NOT the time to say "Honey, why didn't we just take the TV out of the box?"

You can fit upwards of 10 people in a 1992 Toyota Camry. You can also drive said full Camry over a concrete parking lot median as long as you gun the engine.

If you're playing Pictionary, and the artist draws a straight line, it is a stick. If it has dots, it is affliction. If it is anything else, go upstairs and attempt to play team pool and foosball at the same time.

It is entirely possible for a group of approximately 15 college freshmen to pick up a compact car and turn it around.

No matter how cheap it is, do not buy pina colada fog juice.

Fog machines will set off college residence hall fire alarms at the exact moment the RA opens the door.

If you're going to play cafeteria football, make sure Matt Bridges is sitting in your group to provide the commentary.

Here's another absolute: When delivering pizzas, ALWAYS set your parking brake.

Make sure you ask someone to turn the video camera on at your wedding.

Speed is irrelevant in California.

When the little voice inside you says, "Going trick or treating in a refrigerator box is a stupid idea," listen to your little voice.

There is no better way to pass the time with a friend than with a couple of Zippo lighters. Fuel is optional.

Well, I guess I could go on and on... this is obviously not an all inclusive list of what I've learned, but it does provide a good example of the variety show that has been my life. Hopefully I will have an equally interesting list in another 29 years.

-The Krunchy Krab

Friday, December 28, 2007

A few things that made me smile :)

Just a few jokes, etc that made me smile...

Supposedly from church bulletins:
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun."Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.""Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?""In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

And finally...
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Merry Chrismukah everybody!

-The Krunchy Krab

An unlikely favorite for me, but boy is it good!

As I type, I have a standing rib roast slowly coming up to temperature in the oven - it's been in there for three hours so far. I don't usually like meat for the sake of meat - I much prefer meat in something (casserole, soup, etc)

But then two things happened:

1) I went to Austria.
2) I came home and watched Good Eats.

Normally, I wouldn't link those, even though Alton Brown could probably pass as an Austrian if not for his lack of accent. While in Austria, I had probably the greatest steak sandwich ever created... and I dedicated my life (or part of it) to re-creating that sandwich when I got back home.

Well, several months sans great steak sandwich later, I was watching Good Eats, and decided to try a recipe for a standing rib roast that he made. Less of a recipe, and more of a technique or process really. The "recipe" basically calls for a chunk of meat with some canola oil, and salt and pepper rubbed on it. But my wife loves meat and potato type meals, so I decided to try to make this. Warning: this cut of meat can be expensive! Expect to pay about $50 for a small standing rib roast. My wife's worth it though.

Several days later, with the meat properly dry-aged, I roasted and served it. It was spectacular... but even I still did not see the link. The next day, I was hungry for some leftovers and it struck me - the rib roast, in appropriately thick slices, perfectly approximated the tenderness and flavor of that mystical Austrian steak sandwich I so palpatate for. The rest is history. Tonight, I make the rib roast again, not necessarily for the nice meal tonight, nay my mind is on the morrow - when I shall again place a leftover slice of that steak between two toasted pieces of bread and again enjoy a great steak sandwich.


-The Krunchy Krab

A small consolation...

I did end up losing my fantasy football playoff game to the eventual league champion. The more sad part? I would have wasted either of the two teams in the championship last week. Their two quarterbacks (Cutler/Kitna) combined for 12 points total. Oi.

Oh well.

-The Krunchy Krab

Cultured up and ready to go...

That's right folks, tonight I got me some culture. My wife and I attended the Nutcracker in Seattle. I have 4 comments:

1. The men's pants WERE tight, contrary to what I was promised.
2. The sets were very cool.
3. Seat selection requires strategy - Case in point: the woman sitting mere inches to my right paid $30 more for her seat than I did, because she was in the "Gold Circle". Ha!

All in all, I believe it was a successful Christmas gift for my wife.

-The Krunchy Krab

Monday, December 24, 2007

You really should check this out

My wife has a post up on her blog that you should see. It's pictures of our daughter dancing in her Christmas dress... some of the best candid photos I've managed to capture of her.

-The Krunchy Krab

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Had to laugh

This person has their priorities straight. I read this in the Upriver police blotter (all areas up the Skagit River from Mt. Vernon/Burlington WA)

2:30 p.m. A theft was reported in the 8200 block of Davis Lane, Lyman. The house was burglarized while the residents were gone. Stolen items include a camera, camcorder, 1/2 gallon of ice cream and the batteries to the TV remote. There are no suspects at this time.

Way to hit a guy while he's down - take his comfort food and then just when he thinks he can finally relax and take his mind off the burglary... he can't turn the TV on from the sofa.

It's sad to see such obvious genius so wasted...

-The Krunchy Krab

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Out of all the losers, I came in ... second.

Rats. What a week. I lost terribly in fantasy football to the hidden delight of my wife. But it's over now. (The week) I've got 6 days off, one day of work, then 6 more days off. Should be fun! Well, at least I think I'll get to catch up on sleep.

My birthday is coming up. Actually as I write this it's in 8 minutes. Probably by the time I click publish it will be my birthday. It looks like it will be one of the most low-key birthdays of all time, which is fine with me.

Speaking of sugar, does anyone else have the problem of fate trying to send them into diabetic shock at this time of year? Every day at work, more and more desserts would magically appear in the kitchenette. We had our December birthday brunch on Wednesday, which was when the treats seemed to peak. Imagine a table covered first in standard breakfast fare: scrambled eggs, bacon, bagels with lox and cream cheese, etc. Then add 3 dozen doughnuts, two pies, muffins, cupcakes, cookies, a Costco 5 lb bag of hard candy, and a bag of Jalepeno Tim's Cascade chips. (One guy always brings those chips, don't ask me why)

Upon leaving the brunch, we found someone had also brought homemade biscotti, and a plate of cookies. My willpower was waning. I decided to buy a can of Diet Coke - I've pretty much given up pop of any kind, but I left my water bottle at home, so it was pop or nothing. Here's where I knew I was destined for a high blood sugar reading: I pushed the button for Diet Coke and a regular Coke came out. That's my favorite thing in the whole world. I love having to buy more than one of something to get one of something I want. Have I blogged about the people who stuff the vending machine at work incorrectly so you have to buy 3 bags of chips to get 2? I think I have.

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas. That's right I said Merry Christmas. Check your calendars - it's on there. Nowhere is a day labled 'Holidays'

-The Krunchy Krab

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

She said it, not me!

Tonight I was watching our daughter while my wife ran some errands. Here's how the conversation at one point went:

Me: What does a chicken say?

Her: Bok, Bok, Bok!

Me: What do you say?

Her: I say talk!

Me: What does Daddy say?

Her: You say talk!

Me: What does Mommy say?

Her: Talk Talk Talk! Talk Talk Talk!

-The Krunchy Krab

Monday, December 10, 2007

Thank goodness for Christmas trees

We arrived home yesterday evening with our Christmas tree. Now, normally this is a process I don't particularly look forward to for two reasons:

1) Carrying a tree into our house and getting it properly set and secured in the tree stand is no easy task.
B) I'm allergic to anything that exists, so lying with my face on the carpeted floor while pine needles fall into my ears does not put me at my nasal best.
3) I can't see the tv from the right end of the couch anymore.

So, it was with an apprehensive heart that I dragged the tree out of the back of the truck to make a fresh cut and get it ready to take inside.

I wandered my garage, trying to select the proper rotating blade with which to whack an inch off the height of my tree sold by height. I didn't feel like using a handsaw, the jigsaw would take forever and the blade wasn't long enough. A sawsall seemed like overkill, but the skilsaw is too small a diameter. I could bring the chopsaw out, but I would feel really silly cutting a christmas tree with a chopsaw. The radial arm saw was no better. I had just resigned myself to using the skilsaw in two passes when I had a revelation...

I have a saw made for cutting trees, and I've never gotten to use it in December before.

If our gate wasn't already falling off our hinges, it would be now. So, there I was, excitedly waving my hands around our pitch black shed, trying to find the chainsaw. There - my hands got covered in grease off to my left. That must be it. In 20 seconds flat I was in the front yard pulling the starter. Like a hot knife through butter, I molded the bottom of our christmas tree as only a man with a chainsaw in December can. Of course the cut only took a few seconds. I needed to cut more. Those branches at the bottom were too low, surely they needed to surrender to my chain of tree chomping teeth. The chainsaw roared to life once again!

It was a sad moment, but I had to shut the saw down once again. I promised it that I would make sure it had plenty of wood to cut this summer. *Sigh*

In with the tree I went... as I reached the top of the stairs, my 2 year old daughter said, "That's a really big tree! That a HUMONGOUS tree!"

And how can you not enjoy mounting the tree in the stand when she gets down under it with you - "Look Daddy! You see? You see the HUMONGOUS tree? It's a green tree!"

She's going to go nuts when we cover the tree with lights tonight.

-The Krunchy Krab

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Playoff time!!!

As many of you know, I've become somewhat of a fantasy sports fanatic in the past few years. I've never really done very well, and this football season started out ho-hum as usual. But then the Seahawks started winning. Which I know, might seem unrelated, but I tend to draft a lot of Seattle players in my fantasy teams for two reasons:

1) Seattle teams are generally viewed as crappy, and so no one wants to draft their players.

2) I like Seattle teams even though they are actually usually as crappy as everyone thinks they are.

3) But as a result, I usually get to actually draft all my top choices.

So, I started the year ho-hum, but as I say, then the Seahawks started winning. And so I started winning. By a lot. I've still lost my share of games, but I've managed to take down all the top teams in my league a few times.

First the standings in my league. There are three divisions with four teams in each. Playoffs include each division leader, plus 1 wild card. I am the highlighted row in the top division, as of this morning I was tied for the lead in my division. Now for this week's scores:

As you may notice, I'm playing my division rival head to head this week. This is the last week of the regular season, so the winner of this takes the division.

My success this week is due to two things:

1) The Seahawks manhandled the Cardinals, totalling 5 sacks, 5 interceptions, 1 safety, and 1 DTD. Not to mention Hasselbeck threw for 4 touchdowns, and I have Burleson (an addition I made today to my lineup) and Branch, so I got 6 touchdowns off the Seahawks today. Plus I have Josh Brown, so I got two field goals and 4 extra points.

2) The Steelers got stomped today. My opponent had the Steelers DST, and they gave him a grand total of 0 (zero) points to my Seahawks DST's 25 points. Sweet.

So, for the first time, I am now in the playoffs, and having a team full of Seahawks who have just about the easiest schedule for the rest of the season, I'm looking forward to maybe winning it all this year. What will I get? Nothing really. But I'll be able to taunt some people.

-The Krunchy Krab

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Dude, I got a D...


I know one person who recently gave me Dell coupons was probably expecting me to say Dell.

Sorry to disappoint.

Anyway, we've started a trend of buying one big ticket item per year, and last year I got to choose - so we got the camera I took these pictures with. This year, it was my wife's turn to choose, and she wanted to get a vacuum.

We kind of didn't think we'd really get around to it, but then the other day she was freaking out because the floors were dirty and she wanted to vacuum. So we fired up the green ghost, and voila! Smoke. So I cracked it open and discovered the belt was about to snap. So I replaced it. Two minutes later, we fire it up again and voila! Smoke. As I'm removing the cover again, I hear a snap. Yep, the belt melted and snapped.

Houston we have a problem. Well, our options are to take our inexpensive, destined-to-die-soon-anyway vacuum in for repairs with no guarantee of it being repairable, or we replace it. But we had decided that our next vacuum would be a quality one, we were tired of dealing with a vacuum that was sure to have problems after its 90 day warranty had expired.

So, to the internet I did go to research, and narrowed our choices down to a few choices, all of which were available at Sears. Ultra convenient. I do actually like shopping for vacuums at Sears, because there's a large selection, they let you test them right there, and there aren't many people in that department.

Of course we were instantly targeted by a salesman, especially after we picked up a $600 Dyson (not the one we ended up purchasing). And he spent the next 35 minutes demonstrating, disassembling, and sales-pitching various models. We did feel compelled to believe a lot of what he said about the Dysons because if he was just trying to get a large commission, he would push Kenmore where he gets twice the commission. Anyway, we took Elise out to the mall play area to burn some steam while we thought about which one we wanted, and settled on the DC18 slimline - weighing in at less than 16 pounds, it was light enough for my wife to handle going up and down stairs, had the ball design that lets it turn on a dime, and all the other features of the latest Dyson models.

Long story short, we made it home through the snow (I had to put chains on to get up our hill) and we instantly unpacked and assembled the unit. I began dinner while my wife vacuumed the living room and hallway. This is the result of about 10 minutes of vacuuming.

Yes, that pile of gray gunk is dust. A quick once-over of about 500 square feet of carpet produced this. I apologize to everyone who has had to breathe this in our house for the last three years.

Here's a picture of our Dyson, standing tall and proud at the top of the stairs. It is very compact, but still very powerful. If you're using the backpack in the picture as a size reference, don't. It's my daughter's backpack, which is about 1/4 the size of an adult backpack. The vacuum is small, but not that small.

Anyway, my wife is now inspired and wants to vacuum the whole house 5 times over. I expect we'll be breathing easier now.

-The Krunchy Krab